Stuff we should get? Or features on some items?
Things to you wish you knew or had done before the baby arrived?
Any and all advice is welcome :)
Edit: thanks everyone for your advice! Ive been stress procrastinating reading it all tbh but will review soon. Appreciate the huge support!
Best advice I can think of: learn to breathe.
Theres a lot of joy in having a baby but also a lot of stress on reduced sleep. Learning to acknowledge when you’re getting frustrated and take a minute will make everything so very much easier.
Also buy a diaper genie.
Diaper genie was great. Also reuse grocery bags and spin them into a knot.
Diaper Genie for the win!
Also, a car seat that latches into its base (base stays in car). So much better than one you have to strap in/out of the car all the time.
My family called those pumpkin seats. I had a friend who left their kid in that seat too often and it ended up with a flat head. The kid needed a helmet. Poor guy was never the brightest.
Sorry to hear that, but I don’t see how that could be the cause (unless they were leaving them in it for a week at a time).
The baby was only ever in the crib or the seat. It was a bit too late, but they started paying more attention once social services was involved. Definitely a middle child problem.
I think he’s doing better now, but he’s practically an adult.
I always endeavor to get things that have multiple uses. At first, I pooh-poohed (heh) the idea of a diaper genie. A regular trash can should be sufficient, right?
No. If you’re doing disposable diapers, get the diaper genie.
Your username is very apt lol
Diaper Genie, seconded.
Sleep when you can, because you do not know when the next sleep will be.
After the baby comes, when it wakes at night Fetch it so the wife can stay comfortably in bed to feed (assuming she can get comfortable in bed to feed).
Also if you are bottle feeding, you can figure out a night routine which will work for the first 3-6 months, assuming the baby wakes every few hours. What worked for us was if one person stayed up late, handling any feeding till 2am, and then the other person would wake up early and get the 5am and later feedings. Highly recommend to find some long running TV series that has like six seasons and a movie to watch during these times, since you will spend a lot of time doing this.
Yeah, the 8pm handoff. Mom goes to bed after the feeding around 8pm, dad goes long and hits the 11pm and 2am, then bails out.
Very much this. My daughter was bottle fed, and almost like clockwork she would get hungry every 3 hours, at 12, 3, 6 and 9. My wife would feed and go to bed at midnight, and then I would stay up until 3 and feed there, then straight to bed. Then at 6 my wife would wake up and feed, and then finally at 9 in the morning I would wake up. Getting those 6 hours uninterrupted was invaluable.
Yes! Sleep when the baby sleeps!
Also, when our first one came home, be screamed the moment the lights turned off for bed—presumably because it was safe and quiet. We slept with the lights on for a few nights.
Hear me out:
Motion-sensing nightlights.
You’ll both thank me when you get up in the middle of the night to get to the baby or something for the baby. Turning on lights is just going to wake everyone up and make you cranky.
Talk about feeding plans in advance. I talked my wife into pumping and saving up some breast milk in the freezer. That way I could feed the baby when she didn’t feel up to it. Not a big deal if you’re doing formula.
Don’t be afraid to take the baby for some dad time. Mom may or may not be good at expressing when she needs a break. Our middle child would cry whenever mom wasn’t holding her, making it hard for Mom to get any rest. But, I figured out she liked low, constant sounds. I would take her out in the garage, turn on my big shop fan, and just walk around while holding her. She would finally doze off after a bit.
One of the most important things I learned was that it’s ok to not know how to feel at first. Women have hormones that help them bond with a newborn. That’s what keeps them from chucking the baby they just evicted from their body out the window or leaving it for the wolves.
Men don’t have that advantage. My wife was getting all excited about being pregnant and I’m just like, “Oh. Cool. I’m gonna be a father. Great. I guess.” I didn’t really feel anything except maybe a little fear of the unknown. I knew our life was going to different but I wasn’t sure exactly how. Then this little person arrives and they are simultaneously adorable and the worst houseguest you can possibly imagine. They can’t talk so they just cry and whatever they want, they want it now.
I honestly felt miserable. That changed one day when my daughter was a couple months old. I was carrying her to her crib for a nap when she nuzzled her little head into my shoulder and went right to sleep. I realized right then that my little girl knew who was holding her and she felt safe. That was a very special moment for me. One I hope I always remember. Right from that moment I was hooked.
Your experience may be different. Just know that if it doesn’t feel all warm and fuzzy at first, that’s ok.
Edit: Congratulations BTW!
If your wife isn’t breastfeeding get several different brands of bottles. Your kid may have trouble with one kind but no others.
Get a 5Kg sack of potatoes or rice and practice holding it like a baby for at least 10-15 min several times a day. Get those baby holding muscles building now, just remember you want endurance not actual strength.
A white noise generator is good for when they are fussy and can calm them down.Congratulations! It’s an exciting time and they are such marvellous little creatures. Here are some random thoughts that may be useful
Pregnancy
- Everyone’s pregnancy is different, so listen to your wife above all, but here are some things we dealt with that are not terribly uncommon:
- First trimester: nausea, tastes in food changing, scents being particularly offensive. Which tastes and scents worked and which were offensive changing on a daily basis. Have a “clean room” and some kind of array of candles or air fresheners to rotate through, when the dinner that sounded great in the morning is suddenly stomach turning as it is being prepped
- Second trimester: the easiest in some respects, but here is when the mental load, in the form of anxiety, stress, and depression really started to set in. Be prepared to shoulder as much of the emotional burden as you can carry. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your family
- Third trimester: The peak of the physical discomfort. Moving is hard. Breathing is hard. Every day feels like running a marathon. Minimise the amount of moving your wife has to do
Delivery
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Most hospitals / maternity wards offer tours. If you are planning a hospital birth, going in the week before to see the place helped reduce a lot of the anxiety when the time finally came. They can’t be scheduled far in advance because it depends on how busy they are, so keep checking
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Familiarise yourself with the physical details of the birth process. We read through “The Birth Partner” (Simkin and Cheney) together in the preceding months. There is one chapter where they subtly endorse some pseudoscience, but if you can skip over that when you run into it, we found it very informative and helpful about what to expect.
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The event itself is exciting, but overwhelming. Again, your wife will be entirely consumed by managing the physical demands. You can help by taking care of the logistical and emotional demands. Advocate for her. The staff are on the same team as you, but you are the only one with the brain space to ensure that the decisions your wife wants for the birth are being kept in mind.
Newborn
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The first 2-3 weeks are the hardest. You’re adjusting, and the baby is adjusting, and all three of you will have to figure out how to make it work. I hope you are in a place where you can all take time off work. We were lucky in that we were able to breastfeed without too many issues, but regardless if it works the same for you or not, those early days must be a team effort. My wife fed, I did the diapers, and we all woke up together.
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Early on, we ran into some pretty difficult nights where the baby just would not sleep. It turned out she was not getting enough breast milk. Once we started adding some formula, she went right back to sleep. We did this until my wife’s supply increased, which is a fairly common pattern.
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I don’t know why I didn’t expect this, but newborns generally dislike the experience of getting their diapers changed. It will be a fight for a little while. I say this because, if they ever stop crying while you are in the middle of one, duck and cover. That means they are about ready for part two. And it can come with some force. Those little changing mats do not cover nearly enough. We had to put down an extra layer of paper towels along the whole “trajectory”. (This does calm down eventually)
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Babies are demanding. It is rewarding, but there will be exhausting days. Early on, my wife and I devised a system where we each get one day a week that we have “off” from the baby, barring emergencies. I can’t overstate how much of a difference having that one “recharge” day makes in managing the stress, it has been extremely helpful.
Things we got that have been worth their weight in gold:
- Convertible car seat / stroller–we are using the Doona brand and it has been incredible
- Big pack of burp cloths. These need to be within arm’s reach in every room in the house
- Dedicated diaper changing station with diapers, wipes, hand sanitizer, and a burp cloth in drawers within arm’s reach
- Bassinet that can swing over the bed for easy feeding
- A velcro swaddle. Most are too big for newborns, but as soon as they can fit in, it is way easier than trying to do the origami with the blanket. Babies always beat origami
Things we got that really weren’t as important as we thought they were going to be
- Two diaper bags, one would have been more than sufficient
- A diaper caddy for around the house. As opposed to spit-ups, diapers generally are leisurely enough for you to make your way to your diaper changing station, so it was not incredibly helpful to have extras within arm’s reach
- Postpartum cart with snacks and supplies for my wife. Nice idea, just didn’t end up using it much
I know that looks like a lot, but it’s really not bad, because most of it is extra, conveniences and nice-to-have things. As long as you have food, diapers, and a safe place for the baby to sleep, all of that other stuff can be figured out on the go, and you will figure it out as you find what works for you. And the love and joy that come with the baby are indescribable. The rewards are there, and they eclipse the challenges.
You can do this, and it will be wonderful!
Fantastic advice here.
I’ll only toss a couple of things in too.
If you’re lucky to be taking paternity leave then count the first few weeks as a complete wash of doing “anything”. I recommend nesting in the most convenient room where you can accomplish everything you need to including sleep. If possible, make it not your bedroom. That way you can banish the SO to the bedroom if things are getting overwhelming and a brief break/nap from parenthood can do wonders.
If, god forbid, you have a colicy baby make sure to take sanity breaks. If you have addressed every need and the baby is safe then walk away where you can still hear the crying but can collect yourself. I could never imagine harming a baby until my second and I had to take sanity breaks to stop intrusive thoughts. A sleep deprived brain can only take so much screaming before your animal brain starts screaming itself. If your SO is with a screaming baby all day then any and all time away from them is critical safety need. I used to come home from work and shove my SO out the door.
If you are blessed to have support from friends/family TAKE IT. Don’t abuse it but if someone offers to give you a break then thank them and take it.
If breastfeeding is not possible, do not let holier than thou motherfuckers shame you for feeding your child formula. You would not believe how many times I used to have to snidely reply to people by asking if it would better that my baby die from malnutrition rather than have formula.
- Everyone’s pregnancy is different, so listen to your wife above all, but here are some things we dealt with that are not terribly uncommon:
Wow, tough one. It’s your first kid?
I wish I had known how deeply it would change me. And the strength it would give me. I would have feared less, I would have trusted myself from the beginning, and I would have welcomed the change as soon as it started in me.
- don’t be afraid to sing to your baby, they love it
- read to your kid every night as part of the routine
- it’s ok to leave your baby safely in a crib while you take a break for 5 minutes. Go where the crying volume doesn’t drive you mad.
We used an app called Huckleberry to track sleep. Our son would nap every couple hours consistently, but as you get closer to 3 naps a day it helps to see how long they’ve been awake/asleep to keep the routine easy.
Good luck mate. It’s all worth it when you get that first on purpose smile. :)
Get a “Nose Frieda.” Or something like that; my kids are in upper elementary, I don’t remember what it’s called. It looks horrific but when your kid is congested, it is a lifesaver. I think the same company makes something for gas, and I used a crazy amount of them on my second kid before figuring out that she was allergic to dairy at about 3 months.
Baby Frida is the brand the product is just called a nose sucker. We also had several boxes of "Windy"s (the fart straw). Putting those up my son’s butt was an ordeal but nothing helped him sleep like a good fart
Ah yes thanks! For sure, using these products is not “fun” but honestly, parenting strengthens your stomach and your resolve in lots of ways!
You won’t smell of milk all the time, so it is easier for you to put the baby to sleep. Try memorizing like 10 songs that you like and will be able to sing over and over again. The baby will figure out, that it is time to sleep when you sing these.
Learn how to exercise/strach baby. You don’t want to do this with a newborn. But there won’t be a lot of time after birth to look this up. Be gentile. It’s good for the baby and makes them fart and shit, easing stomach pain.
Look up baby first aid videos just in case. It is very different than adult first aid.
The first song that came to mind was from bigxtheplug, maybe try for 10 appropriate songs.
Nahhh… don’t sweat it. My son’s favorite is an old school '90 punk-rock song about “sometimes I miss marijuana”. You can get away with it for quite a while. Than you replace the inappropriate parts with jellybeans and tulips or whatever.
Shit I’ll add to that and straight up suggest doing a first aid program if OP can afford to and can find the time. It just gives you piece of mind knowing how to do shit in a safe way.
If the partner has enough mobility still I’d even suggest doing a class together as a bonding thing.
Don’t try to leave your house in complete silence to avoid waking the baby. Make normal noise and train the baby to be able to sleep through that.
Also, never give in to a tantrum (note that this one you’re a few years away from, since I’m not talking about baby crying). Even if you realize partway through that you’re wrong. Talk it out after they’ve calmed down. You can even tell them that you realized you were wrong but that you’ll never give in to a tantrum like that because that’s not how you handle not liking something. Once they learn tantrums are only a path to defeat, they’ll adjust their methods.
Be sure your child isn’t autistic before using this method. Autistic dysregulation (meltdowns) can look a lot like tantrums, but autistic kids don’t have the ability to control or adjust this behaviour.
Absolutely this.
But there is more. Sometimes small kids (whether neurodivergent or not) simply don’t have the communication skills to express their wants and needs yet. It’s crucial to make sure that you’re not accidentally denying a kid something they need, simply because they lack the skills to tell you what they need.
Functional communication training is a big part of what I teach at work. Regardless of your kid’s neurotype, an adult has to learn to anticipate their wants and needs, then teach them how to communicate that appropriately (and honor their appropriate response.) Maybe the kid’s getting sick, and they’re acting out because they’re tired or some part of their body hurts. Maybe they’re hungry, thirsty, or even lonely. It’s our job as adults to help them “connect the dots” so they can have their needs met. Ignoring a child who’s suffering is never a good idea, but parsing out the reason for their behavior takes skill and practice.
Kids learn to move their hands before they’re able to vocally speak. However, their ability to recognize and understand the language they hear/see is stronger than many adults expect. Which is why it’s a good idea for parents to familiarize themselves with some basic sign language, and use it together with simple language to teach pre-verbal kids how to communicate. Even just teaching the signs for “help,” “more,” and “all done” can empower your toddler to make their needs clear. If you can tell your kid is struggling to reach a toy they want, sign and say “help.” After feeding them, sign and say “all done.” When pushing a kid on a swing, occasionally stop, then sign and ask, “more?” Use every opportunity you can to model communication. If you see the kid attempt a sign (or vocal word) they know (even if it’s imperfect), honor that. It’s more important that they can get their needs across than that they articulate perfectly. In time, you can shape those signs and words to be more accurate, but we’re starting with babies here, so first things first.
It’s crucial to make sure that you’re not accidentally denying a kid something they need, simply because they lack the skills to tell you what they need.
“I don’t know, can you go to the bathroom??”
I am going to give all advice then look at the comments to see if there is anything more to say (jog my memory).
Remember that if a baby is crying and you are at your wits end, you can
- put them in a safe spot and breathe away from them e.g. put the infant in a car seat in an air conditioned space e.g. your house or a crib and walk far enough away that you can’t hear them for 10 mins.
Also you can get concert reusable ear plugs. You can hear conversation and crying through them, but it takes the Edge off. Totally worth it.
If your baby has the tongue attached to the bottom of the mouth with skin, insurance won’t cover if a doctor deems it to not affect speech development, BUT that baby will not be able to such from a breast unless it is cut.
Having a universal bottle steamer is great. Good for steaming frozen breast milk for babies and steaming milk for coffee.
Never leave an infant around a dog. Dog instincts sometimes are to kill offspring that is not their own, or to pick up infants by the scruff of the neck like puppies. Not even once.
If future momma is having trouble walking up stairs, you can always crawl on your hands and knees while she sits on your shoulders. She will likely laugh the whole way.
Natural births (no morphine and no oxytocin and no interventions e.g. c sections) increase if you know how to work through pain. The kind of labor pain and contractions is similar to that of an orgasm. She has to be allowed to not be “up in her head” and instead in the moment. I got a doula to be there during labor and certain instincts of mine were distracting and pulling my wife into a mindset that was halting the oxytocin production iland increasing the pain.
Have the future momma take the multivitamin every day and retake it if it is thrown up. If there are any preexisting conditions in momma then the pregnancy is much likelier to be with good outcomes.
Remember the 5 s’s , shushing, bouncing, stomach pressure, swaying, swaddling. These 5 are the goto for soothing a baby.
Get a medicine ball that fits future momma. When she gets closer to giving birth, it is really easy to sit and “walk” by bouncing while watching a show. Also after baby is born, it is really easy to put baby in a sling/wrap/carrier and bounce the baby to sleep while playing videogames.
Certain babies and mothers sleep better when in bed together. There is recent conflicting information regarding whether this increases or decreases infant death. It’s worth looking into to see recent developments.
When you are full of adrenaline and baby was just born, make a journal entry. It all gets hazy as the adrenaline goes down.
Good luck!
Two beds in separate rooms. No sense in both of you losing sleep. One of you needs to sleep well each night. Decide and conquer. Take shifts if you need to.
Buy all the shit now. You won’t have the mental capacity to make purchasing decisions that well after you’re a parent. Buy and store the crib now. Stroller.
Get one of those log books and diligently record the feedings, diaper changes, medicines, etc. it’s invaluable to refer to for doctor and midwife follow-ups. You’ll know when you don’t need to record that level of detail anymore and can stop.
Read a few parenting books. Take them with a grain of salt. “Expert parents” have had a few genetically similar children. “Experts” have studied, at arm’s length, a bunch of children that weren’t theirs. Their opinions and experiences do NOT necessarily apply to your child. It’s a starting point and nothing more, despite the absurd promises the make in their introductions.
A routine is super important. Stick to one, especially for sleep. If baby sleeps, YOU SLEEP. An irregular sleep cycle seeps into your whole life quickly.
Your job is to safely raise your child to adulthood and hopefully not turn out to be an asshole. The romantic notion of “shaping” a child to be a better version of you is a fantasy. Resist those feelings and act and speak based on what you think your child needs for their development/understanding RIGHT NOW.
Set up boundaries with family early. Stick to them. That includes enforcing how they speak to your child. I don’t care if that’s how grandma was raised, telling a 1 year old their hand will get chopped off if they touch an electrical outlet is not helpful.
The child’s nap schedule is probably more important than any social obligation. If going to a lunch means your kid misses their nap and is a screaming, miserable monster for the rest of your day, then that lunch is OPTIONAL. Don’t go if it’s going to ripple through the rest of your day.
Child proof things in your home in increments. The kid won’t be walking for the first year - focus on padding for under 2’. Reassess when they’re walking and growing for new dangers. You won’t be able to do it all at once.
If you don’t have a ton of space, make it clear to friends and family that you don’t want any big gifts. If we get one more fucking stuffed animal…
Babies nap best in total dark. Make sure their sleeping area is as close to pitch black as you can get it. (This varies with the child, but I read it in a parenting book and it was absolutely true for us)
You will have far less money and mental capacity once you’re a parent - front load everything you can now!
Needed edit: 'buy all the stuff now, used. ’
All that shit is used for 3-6 months and then passed on. No need to buy it new when used stuff is practically new. Only bottle nipples you should buy new.
