I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I’ve had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I’ve had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn’t see long-term romantic potential and didn’t want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was “Long-term relationship” at the time of our dates, previously “Long-term, open to short-term”, and was not publicly shared at all before that)
Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could’ve done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should’ve done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn’t get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn’t even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?
Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!
He tells you very clearly that he doesn’t a long term thing.
It is clear to me that he only wants to fuck.
Unless you just want to fuck him, you should move on.
Me again. What if me addressing that topic where we didn’t see eye to eye can fix whatever this is though? Or do you think that never works and it would just make me feel worse since he will likely ignore that message too? Part of the frustration is my hyperfocusing on this too when there are million other things to get to.
Do you really want to fix this, though? Take a step back from the emotions and look at the whole picture.
If you do start a relationship with this man, this is the foundation you’d be building it on. He’s already shown you that he has issues respecting your physical boundaries and with communication. How do you expect a conversation to unfold in a way that would “fix” this? What could he say that would make you feel like his behavior was acceptable? If he said those magic words, should you even believe them?
I know it’s rough out there dating-wise, but don’t settle. And when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Sorry I’m just seeing your comment now. This is so well said, thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing! I think you’re totally right but I’m just baffled at the lengths to which he went in stringing me along for this waste of time. He would pull out all the stops during our date, sweet little gestures that felt thoughtful. He even started by saying he’s looking for a long-term relationship after getting know people and seeing who’s most compatible, and he seemed completely genuine. When he casually dropped the line about a few situationships on our very first interaction, no wonder my gut took a turn.
deleted by creator
Incredibly disgusting and cheap behavior if not with genuine intentions over longer term, when that is literally what they said out loud. I was sad and now I’m more so angry. What if all these single guys around my age (I would say I’m older than the age of settling down as expected by society) are just in it for casual? Or the ones that are genuine, I don’t find attractive for xyz reason? That is terrifying.
As a guy, we can be real jerks.
My guess is that he probably wants more short term casual relationships but also knows that most women want long term (and those who want short term have no end of possible suppliers.) So, if he wants to sleep around, he probably has to claim he that ultimately he is looking for a long term relationship. (Would you have gone on a date if his profile just said casual?)
I’m also striding through middle age and sorry to say, in a lot of senses, dating doesn’t get easier. Honestly, I think a lot of people have coupled up and a higher proportion who haven’t, haven’t for a reason.
There’s also an interesting phenomenon I’ve seen in early middle age where guys who seem dependable etc couple up with women who would seem “out of their league” as priorities shift to starting a family etc. Of course, the flip side is this also removes a lot of the nice but kind of unremarkable guys from the dating pool.
All that being said, I’d say there is still hope! The big advantage of dating later on in life is that you know who you are, what you want and hopefully, you’re not afraid to ask/demand it! Meeting people in person, whether community groups, sports, hobbies, volunteering or anything else is tricky but deeply rewarding. The other folks around our age who also don’t have families and kids are often pretty friendly and happy to make new friends as our old friends get busier with their new families etc.
Good luck out there!
Sorry I missed your comment earlier! Thank you so much for sharing. It’s reassuring to hear and I’ll try to keep working at it.
One thing that’s hard for me is demanding what I want or declining what I don’t feel comfortable with, even when I know it’s what will maintain my boundaries. It’s hard to be assertive when you have hope, even a glimmer of it. But I’ll remind myself to separate the two and trust that the right person won’t bail if you say no to something and speak up for yourself. I admire people who can be assertive without feeling guilty or worrying what the other person thinks.
For a lot of (immature) guys, dating is a game with roles to play, in order to get laid. One thing that some guys do is pretend to want a serious relationship to draw in women willing to commit on the first or second date.
It’s a terrible thing to do, but some guys will go to any lengths to convince a lady to go to bed with them. Finding decent men in the sea of childish boys can be a challenge, but playing it slow and respectful will help to separate the two. A real man will respect your requests and autonomy, not challenge them or give passive-aggressive responses.
The fact that he tuned out as soon as you told him to take it easy speaks volumes about the kind of guy he is. He’s definitely looking for a quick lay and when that was off the table, he lost interest. You should consider it a good thing that he decided to call it off. He’s not wasting any more of your time with incompatible goals in mind.
By modern standards, you didn’t really get ghosted. That text was him calling it off. It sucks, but I’m afraid that’s about as good as you’re probably gonna get.
I’ve been in your shoes, wracked my brain trying to think about everything I might have done wrong and wishing they’d tell me exactly why they weren’t interested so I could try to fix it.
I’ve also been the guy in this situation, having figured out that I’m not interested in the person and struggling to put it into words. Maybe the vibe wasn’t right, maybe we had different expectations, maybe there’s nothing wrong with them physically but yet for some reason I’m just not attracted to them. I’m ashamed to admit I have just ghosted people because it’s easier than telling them the truth. Maybe the times I got ghosted in return was some sorta karma.
You shouldn’t blame yourself or assume anything is wrong. It sounds like this guy just had different expectations about some things, and that’s perfectly fine. You shouldn’t try to look for anything you need to change about yourself just to find a partner. Keep looking for someone who’s willing to accept you as you are.
Thank you so much! I was already wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did so wrong in such a short period of time to warrant this huge shift and wondering how someone can be so careless with their actions. I have been clear from the start about my intentions, spelling it out on my profile, and guys just seem to want to challenge me for some thrill that they’re not going to get. I really hope it’s not just boys left out there but so far it’s been slim pickings.
Because men have been given the “a man’s going to be a man” pass for far too long. We live what we learn, and it’s up to us to teach our children better.
I think the act of not accepting the phone call tells you everything about him. He isn’t interested in you for a reason he’s not proud of or he truly thinks nothing of you and is incredibly selfish. It’s normal to feel all of those ways about a perceived rejection, but in time you’ll easily see that anyone who sees no need to explain something about you to you is a crappy mate anyways.
Just my suspicion is that he was actively pursuing more than just you and your hesitency was making the completion of your summary difficult for him. This could be misogyny about a perceived imbalance in power dynamics, but just keep in mind, again, that someone who feels chivalry is an important 2 way street on a literal first date isn’t trying that hard. You will find guys far more there for you; in presence, respect, empathy, and patience.
The long term relationship switching to open to short sounds like he’s still tuning his wants and needs, and that’s personal to him. You’re only responsible for changing your bad decisions in the relationship, which honestly after 1 day there’s not much to analyze. Just be happy, as you will be eventually, that he didn’t waste more of your time in this earth hiding information from you the way he did by not accepting the call.
You weren’t ghosted, he told you that he wasn’t going forward.
Not to say that he probably wasn’t a jerk. But he plainly told you that he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything. That’s not ghosting.
Sounds like he wanted to have sex on the first date and you didn’t.
“Irreconcilable differences.”
Should I follow up?
Fuck no. Either he’s playing games, in which case, red flag, avoid - or he’s so emotionally immature that he can’t maintain an emotionally stable front. But most likely he just wanted to fuck and dump. You’re well out of it.
so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly
He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again
Clearly he was very disappointed. And the only possible reason is your announcenent before.
Seems you didn’t recognize that.
I would have been helpful (probably for both of you) to ask him right then and there about his reaction, and his wishes and feelings, because that was your only opportunity to really bring it out into the open and maybe talk about it. Later he had shut down.
I’m sorry that happened to you. It sucks to be rejected even after a first date. You can try to reach out but you might not get a response or get a response you don’t like. He doesn’t owe you that and may not respond. It might the reasons you think or might be something different. You might hear things that you can’t or won’t change.
As far as closure it’s something you give to yourself. You will need to work on giving it to yourself. Just keep in mind that all relationships will fail until one doesn’t. So there’s lot of rejection and heartbreak until you find happiness. This happiness might be a LTR or STR
Thank you so much! Sorry I’m just seeing your comment now. I’m still thinking about it sometimes and we did have a chat but I still feel baffled because it wasn’t adding up and either he didn’t want to say it outright or he’s just as confused himself.
Well said, you’re so right. I’ll keep trying even though this sucks!
People don’t have cut and dried reasons for liking or dating someone and have even less for breaking up or ending things. So you will get vague responses or cliches. These can be a kindness. It can be cruel to be brutally honest with someone about something they can’t change especially if it’s a physical thing. Especially when something’s people hate other people love.
Just remember every relationship will be a “failure” except one. (For those monogamy folks out there). So there’s going to be lot of things that don’t work out before you find some that do. So things not working is the norm. Nothing wrong with that
Dating is a real pain. Don’t worry, he isn’t the one.
Couldn’t agree more. Like finding a needle in a haystack. Thank you so much I needed to hear this and was worried he’s the one that got away.
I can only speak from experience, but; when you meet the right one, you both know it and you’re drawn together like magnets.
The trick is meeting enough people to find the right one. It’s easier than winning the lottery but it does take time and sometimes many attempts
His behaviour tells you all you need to know.
No criticism meant of anyone here - but what we do demonstrates what we really want.
Next.
