They had an anxiety disorder. So the sequence of emotions was like:
Me: “Hey look at this video showing how far away and big Jupiter is!”
The universe is humongous.
My entire life is a vanishingly small atom in the cosmic ocean
Nothing means anything
Fear of death mixed in there as well, with afterlife uncertainty.
Their religious beliefs were what I’d classify as, “doesn’t believe in anything, but also terrified and trying not to think about it”. I don’t know if that has a name, normally atheists I meet are more emotionally stable than that and don’t collapse when you say the word “afterlife”.
TW domestics and abuse
Then they would start pacing, hyperventilating, violent outbursts, self harm, all sorts of crazy shit. It was like they felt the full weight of God or something. Literally nothing would calm them down, it would take hours to days. Sometimes it got too much for them and they’d go for the knives. I’ve never felt more scared and powerless than trying to get a knife safely off an unpredictable person.
From then on I kept sharp things hidden and I was the only one allowed to chop the vegetables lol. Benzo’s helped but obviously you can’t just keep popping those. Eventually it stopped being healthy for me too, it was a lot to deal with, and I felt like I was making them worse just by existing near them, so I ended it.
My guess is that they started to associate my face with the episodes which became it’s own trigger. Obviously I did my best to try and support them, but sometimes your best isn’t enough.
They were worse at first because they were alone, but they had family and friends to lean on. I think they’re doing better now. They still have the anxiety disorder of course, but I’m not there to trigger it anymore. I’m doing better without the stress of having to monitor my speech constantly and be on alert for an episode.
Regarding atheists who don’t believe in anything but are also terrified: I totally get that
My whole life people have been telling me that I’m going to hell. I believe that heaven and hell are a construction / fantasy of man, and there really isn’t anything to suggest otherwise.
But when people keep insisting on a lie, after a while you might start to believe it. Even if you don’t believe in it. If that makes sense at all.
I’m not sure what you’d call that either though. Technically I think it might jump the gap from atheism to agnosticism, but I’m no theologian.
In their case, it was more like they believed after death it was total nonexistence and void, but also that concept was scary. Like they didn’t actually want the thing they believed, if that makes sense. Their beliefs were just another source of anxiety for them. For context, they were raised in a non-religious household.
Inserting my daily Britt Hartley reference here: She talks about how the core value of truth is correlated with atypicals, while core values of loyalty & belonging are more typical. It leads a lot of atypical people into atheism, but even a religious atypical is more likely gonna have thought deeply and been tortured by it.
This whole just believe what we tell you and basically be a good person thing is not gonna fly.
That’s very interesting… in this case it was actually the opposite. I was the spiritual atypical and my ex partner was the atheist (?) typical. Though they never committed to any belief label.
We did have a lot of problems with those things you mentioned though. They cared a lot about loyalty and belonging, but I needed quiet and calm. Often I would slowly be chased around the house, one seat at a time lol. One of many reasons it wasn’t particularly healthy in retrospect.
Could you give an example how they reacted? I can’t picture a human being like this at all.
They had an anxiety disorder. So the sequence of emotions was like:
Their religious beliefs were what I’d classify as, “doesn’t believe in anything, but also terrified and trying not to think about it”. I don’t know if that has a name, normally atheists I meet are more emotionally stable than that and don’t collapse when you say the word “afterlife”.
TW domestics and abuse
Then they would start pacing, hyperventilating, violent outbursts, self harm, all sorts of crazy shit. It was like they felt the full weight of God or something. Literally nothing would calm them down, it would take hours to days. Sometimes it got too much for them and they’d go for the knives. I’ve never felt more scared and powerless than trying to get a knife safely off an unpredictable person.
From then on I kept sharp things hidden and I was the only one allowed to chop the vegetables lol. Benzo’s helped but obviously you can’t just keep popping those. Eventually it stopped being healthy for me too, it was a lot to deal with, and I felt like I was making them worse just by existing near them, so I ended it.
My guess is that they started to associate my face with the episodes which became it’s own trigger. Obviously I did my best to try and support them, but sometimes your best isn’t enough.
They were worse at first because they were alone, but they had family and friends to lean on. I think they’re doing better now. They still have the anxiety disorder of course, but I’m not there to trigger it anymore. I’m doing better without the stress of having to monitor my speech constantly and be on alert for an episode.
Regarding atheists who don’t believe in anything but are also terrified: I totally get that
My whole life people have been telling me that I’m going to hell. I believe that heaven and hell are a construction / fantasy of man, and there really isn’t anything to suggest otherwise.
But when people keep insisting on a lie, after a while you might start to believe it. Even if you don’t believe in it. If that makes sense at all.
I’m not sure what you’d call that either though. Technically I think it might jump the gap from atheism to agnosticism, but I’m no theologian.
In their case, it was more like they believed after death it was total nonexistence and void, but also that concept was scary. Like they didn’t actually want the thing they believed, if that makes sense. Their beliefs were just another source of anxiety for them. For context, they were raised in a non-religious household.
I think you just get recycled back, and THAT’s what I’m terrified of.
Inserting my daily Britt Hartley reference here: She talks about how the core value of truth is correlated with atypicals, while core values of loyalty & belonging are more typical. It leads a lot of atypical people into atheism, but even a religious atypical is more likely gonna have thought deeply and been tortured by it.
This whole just believe what we tell you and basically be a good person thing is not gonna fly.
That’s very interesting… in this case it was actually the opposite. I was the spiritual atypical and my ex partner was the atheist (?) typical. Though they never committed to any belief label.
We did have a lot of problems with those things you mentioned though. They cared a lot about loyalty and belonging, but I needed quiet and calm. Often I would slowly be chased around the house, one seat at a time lol. One of many reasons it wasn’t particularly healthy in retrospect.
Was she raised atheist? I’ve found atheists raised religious have often done a lot more grappling.
(see cousin comment) yep they were raised in a non-religious household
“I felt like I was making them worse just by existing near them, so I ended it.”
Well put. I hear that one right in the feels.
AuDHD here, crippling fear of death because my brain can’t comprehend not existing.