lattrommi

First watch these:

• Star Wars Holiday Special
• The Ewok Adventure
• Ewoks: The Battle for Endor

When you have finished those, you should be filled with hate and suffering. You will welcome the dark side. Now you are ready.

Start watching

• The Phantom Menace.

Stop watching before the pod race ends.

Play the videogame

• Star Wars: Pod Racer.

Crash the first pod race, killing little Anakin.

Congratulations!

You’ve stopped the evil Sith lords from rising to power. You’ve saved the Ewoks. You’ve saved Jarjar. Balance in the universe remains balanced. You truly are one with the force. You are ready for the light side.

Watch

• Clone Wars

The animated series that aired on Cartoon Network. Not “The Clone Wars”!!! That’s different. Don’t watch that one. It sucks. You want the one made by Genddy Tartakovski, known for his masterpieces, Samurai Jack and Dexter’s Laboratory and his pivotal work in the series The Powerpuff Girls.

You wont need to watch anything else.

You wont want to watch anything else.

Ever.

and your Pants Pee-free

they are seriously underestimating my capabilities, as well as the efficacy of my laundromat and determination of the drunken hobos who live there.

They measure the angular degree of the appliance but I’ll wager a testicle they still have not tackled the more critical issue of the degree in temperature of cold porcelain. As I’m sure most men living anywhere with a latitude bigger than 45° can relate, there is nothing worse than having to chip onesself free on a cold night in the dead of winter.

The specs on the website don’t have the number one statistic I care about: Can I, a 6’3" (190cm) man, fit comfortably inside without being forced to drive with my knees? It says it is 69" (175cm) tall which is not a promising sign. The website does not have warranty information yet either, the next most important thing for me. The fact it is mostly made in America, implies that it will probably break within a year which makes the price irrelevant. The lack of infotainment is a huge plus, I don’t understand how those things are even legal. A laptop dock would be much more beneficial in my opinion. One which can easily slide out of sight, like when I’m actually driving and not just watching porn while stuck in a traffic jam. The option for hand crank windows pretty cool, so I can re-enact that one scene from the movie The Game if I want.

After really taking a deep look at the customization options I can’t help but wonder, Am I dressing a Barbie or looking for a vehicle? Can I get the icon in cornflower blue? Is there an option to make the entire vehicle look like a 90’s geocities page, including gifs? I spent who knows how long looking at the options and went to see what the price would be. Well guess what? I can’t! Not without reserving one for $50. Even then I have no indication I’ll be told the price. Sorry but I don’t care what options there are, I’m not gonna pay one dollar, let alone fifty, if I can’t see what the final price will be, even just an estimate would be nice. Am I supposed to trust the word of random news articles that it’s actually under $20k with an asterisk? I don’t care if the $50 is refundable. Any company that requires I speak to someone for the price of their product, is a company that is lying about the price of their product.

Great idea and almost a step in the right direction for cars (in my opinion). However, I can all but guarantee this would be a bad car for me to buy, because car salepeople and car engineers simply can’t help but take any good idea and load it up with as much enshittification as they possibly can stuff in and then try to get the customer to pay more for heaps of shit on top, which they call icing but is really just shit, all while lying about every possible thing they can.