First, I am a pan-sexual woman with severe ADHD and a sprinkling of BPD. If I have a meltdown or an episode, I am VERY sorry. Let me take 5, and I can apologize and be a reasonable human being again. None of this is an excuse, but it at least explains it. I assure you, I will be tearing myself apart with guilt and embarrassment for far longer than is healthy. I would be eternally grateful if you could have a little patience and not pour fuel on the fire. I would never wish any of these disorders on anyone. I will do my best.
Who am I? That is always a difficult question to answer as self introspection can be a rather painful and difficult exercise. I don’t believe we are always the same. We all change, but we do like to make the same choices over and over. If I had to sum myself up, I am a force of nature who cares too much.
I think once my doctor started charging me money for being late or missing the appointment entirely, the consequences were enough to overcome. The number of times though for this exact scenario… Yeah, been there, done that. Timers, timers, and more timers.
No idea if it will help, as I am going to try it too, but we may need to put our keys and wallet in the good place before going to sleep when we have important things the next day. The only way I ever get to the airport on time is to:
The only other thing that helps me is Tile, so I can at least narrow down which room my keys or wallet is in. The little speaker can get kind of damaged on the wallet one, but the BT is fine.
The worst is trying to explain at how necessary the medication is. Having to explain that I cannot work without it
This explains so much. Mine did the same and when it became too expensive to fix, I had to move on. The rust ate it alive and I had to replace the battery every year until I bought a more expensive battery and that one lasted 2-3ish. A lot of the plastic trim and bits around the license plate to hold the light became brittle and broke. It did not like winter temperatures at all.
My understanding though (US) is the DEA limits the raw ingredient supply with no regard to the demand by patients. The drug manufacturers get what they get whenever the DEA decides they are allowed to have it.
It sucks having the government decide whether I get my medication each month. It sucks having to submit to drug tests to prove I am taking my meds and not hoarding/selling them. I have a giant stack of paperwork from formal testing I had, which I had to pay for out of pocket because insurance doesn’t cover it. It was something like 600-800 dollars. That is enough dammit. I shouldn’t have to live in fear that my medication will be taken away or refilled late because I can’t even request my refill until the last minute.
My nails are too thin to get long enough to bite consistently, but I would wrap my hand around my wrist and squeeze when anxious. I would have finger bruises on my wrists. Nail polish I just sit there and peel off. Fake nails will be ripped off in 2-3 days, no matter how much it damages my nails, and I also play(ed) string instruments. I still squeeze my wrists sometimes, but I have to be really really stressed out.
As someone on Adderall instead, is it really like that? There is one generic manufacturer, Activis, that I refuse to accept from the pharmacy as I feel like I am tweaking out the entire day and falling apart. Only time I ever refused to finish the bottle and begged the pharmacy to replace it, which they were unable to do.
When I was formally tested, I gave a similar analogy to the psychiatrist/ADHD specialist. He immediately told me he was stealing it as it was a really great way to explain it to others. It really does kind of explain the whole executive dysfunction part to others.
I get really frustrated trying to do math, “in my head”. I didn’t realize for a long time that the way I was trying to do it isn’t what everyone does. I can only do math on paper, so I am literally drawing on imaginary paper in the air while desperately trying to keep track of things to only have it slip away like sand and then starting over. I still do subtraction/addition like I was taught in elementary where you cross out the number and write the remainder or whatever above it.
Trying to do that on imaginary paper and keep track of the slashes and tiny numbers is torture. Especially when the damn paper keeps moving, colors fading out, and I can’t just make the number appear. No. I have to mentally draw the strokes of each digit like I am using a pencil. Oh, and my handwriting sucks, so I write numbers really slow. Have I randomly mentioned I fucking hate white boards? Now I have. I have nothing to leverage my hand or arm on.
Basically, trying to keep all of the noise out my head or at least on a similar task is really hard at times. It is like being in a crowded restaurant and each sound gets the same amount of attention. Every step, clink, swish, creak, conversation, air movement, cars outside, all gets an equal amount of attention. Imagine a flat equalizer in a sense.Your brain is supposed to be able to filter that shit out so you can talk to the person in front of you. We don’t get that luxury. Medication is a damn miracle. It isn’t perfect, but having even a fraction of peace in my head is enough.
I second docker. I do use the docker version on my server, but I use docker on my Mac all the time. I really enjoy not having to screw around and have to go through the process of installing certain things and docker desktop on Mac just works. I pretty much use homebrew or docker.